Growing Up: A Guide for Amateurs

This guide is brought to you by someone who has a lot of free time. The author spends her time making up mid-sentence rhymes and chasing her dog around singing the 'Murder She Wrote' theme tune and greeting her as 'Detective Dog'. Please note: Items included within the guide may not be all that useful (although they are meant with the best intentions).

Here are a few statistics (as you know, I love maths...) for you about my 2013. 

*Times I saw my closest friends: 5 or less for all of them

*Holidays I went on: 0

*Times I thought 'I love my life!: 0-1

*Times I accidentally talked to myself: Countless

*Amount of box sets I watched: Infinity and one

So, as you might guess, it wasn't that great a year. If I could describe it in one word it would be: 'Meh' with a shoulder shrug.

My New Year's Resolution was to grow up. It was also to stop thinking negatively or be consumed by my own anxieties. I want to do things I really love in 2014. I want to do things just because I can. I want to be happy. And I'm hoping, if I put some good karma out there, good things will happen in exchange. I am dipping my toe in the Sea of Tranquility (or insert other hippy terminology here). So this blog is to mention a few things I am doing differently.

1. Getting outside much more often. I so seldom left my house at the start of 2013 that I almost completely missed wearing any Winter clothing for that really cold spell. My dog has become so accustomed to my presence that she will inconsolably weep until she gets in for a cuddle each day. Her dinner time has also become increasingly early as she gets more and more greedy. So for January, I have been going lots more places. My favourite of which is the local park. Word of warning, be aware of your fellow walkers and be careful who you go behind on the path. I learnt this the hard way. I was following behind an older gentleman, dandering along with a limp. He started throwing a seemingly unending stream of bread crumbs on the paths around him. The birds were quite pleased about this. So much so that I was completely surrounded by swooping and whooping birds as they ate the crumbs littering the path. Didn't help with my fear of birds. For unseen reasons, the old man decided to race me back to our cars, limping along as quick as he could. He then raced out before me and gave me a really sly grin. Typical! 

2. Take up new hobbies, or continue your most-loved ones. Here I was going to blog about the amazing new self-defence class I signed up for, and my first lesson would have been last night. Unfortunately there wasn't enough demand so they cancelled the class. There goes my dream of being able to see off scary yobs while 'Kung Fu Fighting' plays merrily in the background. So I am now thinking of new hobbies I can have. Currently I am reading A LOT of books really quickly and I don't know what is going on but I seem to be starting a new one every other day. I also seem to have to cut up boxes a lot lately in the search for the perfect dog bed for my rather strange canine friend. If she would stop eating her box while she lies in it then we wouldn't be having this conversation. 

3. Pay more attention to the friends you still have. It's very easy when you're feeling ignored and down in the dumps to not really enquire after your friends. Especially if they seem to have had an easy ride and gotten things a lot more easier than you have. However, my new attitude dictates that if I want people to care about me more, I need to care about them more. So if anyone wants to do something fun or have a nice chat, just let me know. I can't turn my back on the sort of people who I have been through the most random, fun and incredible times of my life with. Puppet shows and being a human caterpillar, and cardboard horse and summer holidays. Just to name a few...

 I'm going to my Country Music Festival in March so I am really looking forward to a nice trip to London with one of my best friends and my boyfriend. Hopefully that will be one weekend I don't have to listen to the comic stylings of Saturday night TV presenters as my only main company. 

Hi! I'm in my box. Do you enjoy seeing my underbelly?

Coo-ee, it's me, Detective Dog

4. Stop taking so many pictures of my dog. Or maybe, take more? Here's a few pictures I've taken recently. Too many, or not enough? 

The Decision Is Yours.

I'm in a new box! Yes! 

"You cannot be serious?" I'm Dog McEnwoof

Totally Topiary

 In a day that is darkened by debt, despair and a supposed hurricane in the U.K, it's important to look for the light hearted moments of life and so, as my own personal contribution to this noble aim, I have selected a few particularly outstanding topiary creations.

A much under appreciated art form, hedge sculpting is one of the more whimsical and hilarious things in this wonderfully weird world.

So, I present to you, totally topiary!

Thought it was a proud and long career for the Beatles, their greatest moment has to be being immortalised in topiary form. Once they were done asking us to 'Please please me' and proclaiming 'I am the Walrus' the next logical step was to become commemorated in hedge form. Noteable absence of Ringo from the drums?

 "What does the fox say?"

Although there have been many possible suggestions given by Ylvis, unfortunately we aren't going to discover what the dear ginger creature has been longing to say because the fox is now a hedge.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jofNR_WkoCE

 You don't have to travel to the far corners of Westeros to chance a glance at a dragon anymore. It's not just Miss Stormborn who has access. The lucky gardener of this dragon can feel like a Slayer every time they maintain the dragon's short back and sides crop.






Somewhere in his ever unquenchable quest for honey, this cheeky bear has found himself turned into a forever memorial of optimism. I shall think of him always as singing '99 Luftballoon', longing to fly away from his prison of shrubbery.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lur-SGl3uw8

 I couldn't not include my favourite Disney princess as she dances with dear Charming. Forever dancing in her magic dress, before the pumpkin explosion morning after.

While I have you here: is anyone else alarmed that although Aurora has Phillip and Ariel has Eric, Cinderella and Snow White both have Charming?? Ouch!

 "Don't you want me Baby?" "Hello, is it me you're looking for?" A mascot for all of us Beasts out there, a topiary reminder that sometimes you can be a hybrid monster with amazing strength and a pretty bad temper but people can still manage to capture you and forever make you into an inanimate hedge creature before you have a chance to escape?

On that note, imagine the job of the gardener at Disney World, one minute you're shearing the Beast's beard, the next you get distracted and chop off Mickey's head.

 This little panda has two clear purposes.

1. To remind everyone of that amazing Youtube video that can make even the stoniest of cad have a chuckle. You know which one I mean.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FzRH3iTQPrk

2. To be placed in front of reluctant pandas in zoos as a means of encouraging them to get knocked up so they too can have cute little Mini Me hedge babies.

Good work.

This guy has the right idea. Run away from the horrors of hedge prisons. Or maybe he is just running away from this somewhat pointless blog post. I shall leave this open to debate.

Hope that was interesting for some people.

A Little Smog and a damn good Blog!

 From my unpenetrable Lair of Quirk, I write to you as one woman with her hat off. I have removed my hat, in this case a flat cap, and have it eschewed against my jumper like a Victorian chimney sweep when Sir Jollington VI walks past. A single tear has left a white track down my blackened young chimney-sweeping face as I think in my head, 'Bravo, London, bravo'. Because, fellows, I have just returned two days ago from the social highlight of my 2013 so far. Not that there has been much competition. But oh, the ball I have had! :D

The scene was set for a good time, with a very jolly and thorough Heathrow delay. After struggling to land for upwards of 20 minutes, we were told upon landing that our steps were broken and we had to stay onboard. For an indefinite time. That was a barrel of laughs. Once I entered the airport, I made my way to the underground station. My dear pal Hannah was coming from the opposite end of Heathrow so I set out to wait. Unfortunately a ridiculous amount of delays happened her end so I was hovering like a lurking lurker for over an hour. Luckily, my 'puppy dog playing a game' face encouraged other arriving tourists to seek my advice about my 'native town' of London. I guess standing next to the arrivals board was a bad idea, I was tempted to hip jut and gesture at it and say 'I know how to commute, ask me how!' Still, I like to think I was able to help the Spanish ladies make the local phone call. And my fizzing coke bottle provided some lively entertainment for a French school group.

Stay at Premiere Inn. They match beds to your PJs.

Eventually Hannah made it, and by chance we had both been looking for each other and opposite ends so turned at the same time and saw each other, while some clanging 80s saxophone chimed. Reunited (phew!) Crannah made their way to the underground and began their journey.

As a tube pro, it was a stress free commute to our delightful Stratford Premiere Inn, with a view of the Olympic Park. We used a self- service check in machine (SELF- SERVICE!!! It printed out our room keys and everything!!) and made our way to the lifts, me jigging with glee for the chance to exploit a hotel room, declaring "This is one of the true pleasures of my life!"

It was delightfully clean and well-laid out and I did the following testing.
1. Bed bounce test
2. Free biscuit check (none :( )
3. Free coffee check (two sachets!)
4. Travel kettle (yes!)
5. Bathroom products (Foamburst shower gel dispenser- score!)
6. TV working (Freeview channels)
7. View (car park and edge of Olympic stadium, and sometimes a lardy builder looking back at me)
8. Trouser press (none)
9. Spare stuff (two pillows, lots of towels.)
10. Reading room service/restaraunt menu (Burgers? Burgers in a meal deal? BURGERS!)
11. The Miranda two moves to kettle from bed dance (Successful in one teddy bear roll and a finger press)

Everything to my satisfaction, we decided to head on down for some dinner. Burgers and (triple-fried) chips- yummy! Summer fruit and jelly sundae for dessert- jolly roger! Returning to our room, we watched almost the entirety of comic relief in our PJs. Well, until David Tennant was trying to guilt trip us and we reached an angry limit!

Saturday morning: the reason we were there. Day One of the Country2Country festival in the 02- that's right, the U.Ks first ever Country Music festival. Stopping for a croissant and coffee breakfast and a Pizza Express lunch (my pizza- gorgonzola and leek- had an ACTUAL HOLE in the middle stuffed full of salad- two meals in one!) we made our way to the arena for an all day American country town explore and music revelation.

Us and a Pilgrim Choice cowboy

The Pilgrim Choice cheddar cowboys were about.So, of course, we had to get our picture taken with him. And we also posed in a photo booth wearing cowboy hats for the chance of winning a month's supply of cheese. Obviously. With a quirky start, we explored the cowboy boot, gingham and hat stalls, and the dozens of international food stalls. Enjoying an incredibly MOIST piece of coconut blondie, we anticipated our actual concert.

It was amazing. We found people like us, of all imaginable generations, crazy for country, wacky for western! As a testament to this: queue back to tube, mass crowds singing along to 'Jolene' and middle aged and elderly women and men wearing cowboy hats and spangly boots.

Festival main stage

The actual acts were all amazing. The atmosphere was intense with anticipation and joy and disbelief for what was actually happening. Actual violins and banjos getting played on a live stage, people rocking out on guitars and singing with their souls. We were satisfied campers.

The next morning, Sunday, we woke up to another day of delights to be had. We made our way into the Westfield centre for dinner and had a sudden filling of dread. Were all the shops shut until 12?? Could we not get any breakfast? But alas we went to a crepery and had a crepe and coffee for a few pounds. I had a Canadian crepe- my first ever real taste of bacon and syrup combined. I think, after all, I could easily be Canadian! I also learnt an important lesson: Macchiatto is actually just a really small coffee. Gutted.

Me in Zizzi with my beer

We headed towards London Bridge for some sight seeing: we stopped for a frolic around the Globe theatre, some superb river views, a look at HMS Belfast, which was reverberating with Irish music to celebrate St. Patrick's day, and eventually we managed to find the bridge, though it took a surprising effort! We had lunch in the GORGEOUS Italian restaraunt Zizii- why do we not have it in N.I?? Gorging ourselves on delicious garlic bread with cheese and balsamic onions and a delicious lasagne/chicken, red pepper and goat's cheese pizza, I ordered a beer and was told 'Excellent choice!' It was bliss eating yummy food and watching the river flow past us. That sounds so metaphorical!

An obviously drunk man got on a tube and said "I just need a few pounds so I can get off the streets, guys." We ignored him. We are soooo London!

Heading back to the O2 arena, we stopped for another coffee break in Costa and enjoyed the build up to the next stage of the festival. Now on good speaking terms with the couple next to us who had been there the previous evening, we had a nice chat and awaited our wonderful acts. As a personal show highlight: we saw LeAnn Rimes performing on stage and fulfilled a childhood dream since Coyote Ugly came out in 2000, we got to sing along with 'Can't Fight the Moonlight'. Dreams can come true! LeAnn nearly cried, and we did too. In other news, Brantley Gilbert was delectably good at being both Metal and Country. Carrie Underwood is apparently a performer that triggers multiple girl fights if the number of women being escorted out from the stadium is anything to go by. And Hootie and the Blowfish's own Hootie, Darius Rucker, is an awesome dancer and got us all singing along to 'Family Tradition' by Hank Williams Jr., country royalty himself!

With the festival over there was a sense of sadness but also a real sense of gladness for having gone to it. It's definitely back next year and we can't wait! It was awesomely good.

Monday morning, we packed our bags and checked out, heading into the centre for some more sight seeing. We hit all the main sights, though Buckingham Palace disappeared off the map while we were looking for it, so we didn't make it there! Our dream of becoming Mary Kate and Ashley in 'Winning London' will have to wait until next year, when we've acquired colour lensed sunglasses and tartan trousers.

We went for lunch to a Chinese all you can eat buffet, where the food was nice, but they hid us in a creepy backroom, forced us to drink fizzy water and shouted at us until we paid them extra. Such fun!

Goodbye until next year, London!

We went to King's cross to get our picture at Platform 9 and three quarters, but discovered a line of tourists paying to have their picture and decided that, surprisingly, we were actually too cool for something. Heading back to Heathrow early, there's nothing like an hour and a half squeezed onto a tube where the driver keeps repeating 'We do not have a final destination for this tube yet.' to get you in the mood for going back home.

I give my trip to London a 9 and a half out of 10- only thing that would have made it better would be if Carrie Underwood's promised 'very special guest' had bothered to show up and had bothered to be Brad Paisley.

In other news, last night I fell asleep and weird stuff happened. You've heard of sleep walking? Of sleep talking? I take things to a whole new level of cray-cray. As a child, I woke up multiple times at exactly 12AM to be sick, one time I worried so much about taking a plaster off the next morning that I woke up and it had disappeared, never to be seen again, and last night: for a couple of months, one of my teddy bears has been missing, leaving me just two in my bed. This morning, I woke up and the third bear was back!!!! How??? Why??? Amazing! So, apparently adult sleep walking is a sign of mental instability/psychological problems.

I actually find myself filled with dread as to what sleep Jeremy-Kyling means...

Cheesus, it's Christmas!

I just thought I'd update the blog to let you all know, I'm back home for Christmas and everything is fine. Last time we talked, I was worrying about getting home with my huge bags. Turns out my biggest concerns should have been staying upright on a bendy bus and not being able to check in because I was there British time rather than regular people- i.e. ridiculously early.

I am so happy to be here safely with all my family and it is equally weird and normal to be back in my old bedroom with my bags unpacked. Bliss!

It's been an eventful few days so far. I stopped over in Manchester for a reunion with my dear pals from Uni. We had a whale of a time, with much chat, eating, messing around in tiny bathrooms and accidentally taking elevators too far and ending up in restaraunts to the tell tale sound of cutlery clinking. It was so lovely to see them all and to know that despite the last 6 months apart, we were able to pick up right where we left off without a change in dynamics at all. I hope that even when we're sixty, things will remain just the same.


Since arriving home, there's been a fair amount of in jokes and drama with my sister. We've gone through many topics: to name a few- double-sliced flatulation, groping overweight Indian men, mail order brides, impersonating Vernon and Tess in our best Bolton accents. While watching the SCD final, we were wondering what Bruce Forsythe had written on his cards...as he appeared to be talking nonsense. And also appeared to be a complete nutter when he was shouting 'Look! Look!' every single time there was a standing ovation...which was every dance in the final...and there were 10 dances...
You know it's been a good reunion when you've found yourself struggling to swallow every beverage you've tried to drink, because something makes you laugh every time you take a sip.

Ooh, now I have Brad Paisley stuck in my head...should never have said the word sip! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jm6dqMsZCrc

Today is Christmas Eve...and you know it's been an eventful and festive Christmas Eve when the highlight of your day has been going with your dad and sister into the next town just to watch him buy rat poison and get a wee spin in the car. Such fun!

So, just thought I'd wish all (hahahahaha...there's so many...) of you readers a very merry Christmas. Keep out of trouble. I know I won't...ooh cheeky! We shall meet again very soon I am sure :)

Merry Christmas to all and to all a goodnight!

(Listen to that Brad Paisley song...such good memories with this one)

The five pretty irrational things that have got me excited this week...

Dear Readers,

As I have recently taken to eating vast amounts of pureed fruit products (I am currently chowing down on some apple and plum- ohne zuckerzusatz of course!!-) it got me to thinking about all those kind of crazy things I used to get excited about when I was little. Actually, that's a poor choice of words- I am still quite little, just not so young anymore. On that point actually, only five weeks today until I turn 22- what?? And therefore also only five weeks today until I leave here. These next few weeks are rapidly turning into a busy and exciting and saddening rush of meeting new people, going new places, doing new things, and saying goodbye along to the way to everybody lovely I've met here. I am a little bit sad about the whole thing, because if it was possible to stay here just for the social aspects I absolutely would. Anybody else reaaaaaalllllly hating the job market right now?? But I knew it was time to leave when I couldn't even get a job in McDonalds because I didn't have fluent German... :s

Small victory: managed to do my entire Starbucks cashier interaction in German and knew exactly what she was asking me and how to reply without her changing into English mid way when I slip up as normally happens- YESSSS!!!! If nothing else, this has made my trip a success

So anyway, hastily leaping off the fastly fleeing tangent ship I was aboard, doggy paddling frantically, and regaining my breath upon the Island of On-Topic, I have been having a think about what weird things there have been that have got me reaaaaaalllly excited lately. Usually it doesn't take much...but some things have just had an insane level of impact on me. So without further ado...or much ado about nothing (though I love a bit of Mr Wilde's dramatic works *winky face*)

1.  The All-Blacks Haka on Sunday. There I was, sitting on my bed with computer set to capture live BBC 1- Scotland v New Zealand. I love Irish rugby, don't get me wrong, I went the night before to watch their match against South Africa, I sang along with the rugby anthem in the pub, I cheered for their scores, I ooooh-ed and aaahhh-ed like the best of them. But we lost. And that was a bit of a downer. I still love my country. And our team. But why don't we dance?? For all who haven't seen a Haka:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ebZVMc0NKZs&feature=related. I could hardly contain my legs for shaking with excitement for the five minutes before they were due to come on the field and do their thing. My coffee granules spilt everywhere when I was making a beverage. I could barely breathe. I can't tell you why it gets me so excited. But when it was happening I couldn't think of many things I'd rather be doing than watching them do their thing. They've just got such style.

As does Dumbledore.

Let's take a moment to reflect on the sheer splendor of this image to our right. Dumbledore. Has Got. Style. And I really like his hair here, wish mine would sit so nicely :)

2. Gruyere cheese was on offer. Get in. I was doing my usual budget shop around Migros when I saw that my absolute favourite cheese was on offer and therefore the lucky cheese I was going to buy. It's just so darn good. Wish I had stocked up!


3. My first successful all-nighter club evening. Yes. I went to a night club. And danced all night. I literally danced all night. I've been going to Paddy Reillys for months as you know, readers, but only on Saturday did I learn that there is an actual downstairs night club section. I thought everybody just rocked around the bar area and that was it. Mind blown. So yeah, there I was, one minute watching the rugby match at 6.30pm, next minute going to bed at 6am. Crazy times. Of course, I went clubbing in jeans and a jumper because I had only gone to the pub to watch the match, but at least I had the foresight to wear high heeled boots. Not a total fuddy duddy. Of course, there was an abundance of absolute creepers who tended to descend any time you were alone unchaperoned, and sure my only chaperone was the brother of a girl who I vaguely know and who quite frankly hates my guts, but I still had a good time. I am proud of myself for surviving. Now I am very wary of Ne-Yo's 'Give Me Everything' though because in the line 'Grab somebody sexy, tell 'em hey' I could see a creeper lurking near by and I had a moment of dread and then the worst happened and he meandered up to me and well and truly said 'Hey'. Uggh. Never could have imagined I would have got so much attention on a night out though. Swear times have changed since my teenaged years...those two times I went out. Or maybe I've changed. Cool.


4. At this point in my blog writing, I have just returned from the wash room, armed with some freshly cleaned clothes. And amongst them is fresh bed clothes. Ahhhh! Is there any thing more exciting than the first moment you get into bed the night of wash day?? Especially if you are partial to the cold bed dance as I am...AND it's really cold rendering the dance not just fun but necessary...AND the bedclothes are fresh fresh fresh! I for one am already a little bit overwhelmed for tonight and it's still many hours until I will be going to bed. If you're looking for me this evening..I may be curled up with some sort of Hilary Duff movie and my lovely clean bed clothes- bliss.com

5. The final thing I'm excited about right now is the kick ass sunny evening we're having here. The sky is blue as Prince Eric's eyes, the autumnal sun is making the autumnal leaves evening more golden orange, the air is crisp but mild enough for exercise, and I have an ipod full of new songs I have downloaded and want to listen to. The scene has well and truly been set for an epic walk. Here's hoping I don't accidentally wander an hour towards Germany this time. As soon as this next load of washing finishes, I am out of here to get some much needed oxygen.

So, that's all folks, the five things I could think of on short notice that have really tickled my fancy the last few days. Not to mention, of course, my ongoing fun with the radio, and the friendships I have just made, and the original friendships I made here that have been rekindled...and here's to the not so fun moments too. But let's not go into them. Cheers/ Slainté/ Salud!

QOTR

Freaks on a Tram

Coming this blog post to a computer screen right in front of you, I bring you Freaks on a Tram...from the maker of some extreme social faux pas and some pretty entertaining blog posts, be afraid.

Nobody is safe on the tram. Well, that's a bit drastic. I'm not that safe...but that's because I seem to attract absolute weirdos! No offence to any of my friends, I don't mean you guys!

It's not so much that I never feel safe on the trams. I do normally. Just in the past few days I've encountered a strangely high proportion of slightly bizarre people ranging from the odd quirks to the full on creeps.

Anyway, as you can see from my rather brilliant (I know, it's terrible!) film poster to the left, you get all sorts! And there hasn't been a man with a roast chicken on his head chasing me or anybody shouting 'Here's Johnny!' as the poster would suggest...although the chicken chaser would actually be pretty hilarious...

So, I will briefly incorporate my top three creepiest encounters into a rhyming song (you can make up the tune yourself!) Don't I spoil you all? ;)

On Saturday, to my dismay,
I seen a somewhat normal boy
He took to grinning at me there,
And acting mighty coy.

Unfortunately, I did there see,
A constant sniffer of armpits,
As between his smiles to me,
He really sniffed with true grit.

On Sunday afternoon
A man came and sat beside me,
He decided it would not be weird,
To try and reach to touch me

He pointed at my hands, my face,
He made a scary sight,
He asked 'Warum?' and pointed
And really gave me quite a fright.

On my walk home, to my surprise
A group of men I saw there,
They were gathered into a group,
And made noise without a care.

To my chagrin,
A chime did begin,
They made the sounds of a telephone,
And really made me wish for home.

I don't know why, but it seemed less psychologically damaging if I made it a song instead. :-/

In other news, as is the tradition of my blog, I'll give you a run down of my latest happenings and events.

On Saturday, I went to visit my friend Kevin in a city called Aarau. The train there was pretty uneventful although a weird man did sit next to me and try and chat while loudly slurping his red bull. Great. We did all the sights (well, what we could see through the downpour) and wandered through a jumble sale where Kev tried to buy some binoculars from a big box only to be told by the man in a weird broken German/French language that 'These are mine. You can't have them.' We went out for pizza and strolled around with a rather malfunctioning umbrella.

It was a lovely chance to talk, and I can just talk to him for hours without stopping (much to his annoyance). It's so nice to have made such a good friend already in a new country. Plus, he's an Irish lad so we don't have any language barriers. Maybe just a sarcasm one. He's also such a gentleman, he was kind enough to pay for things and to hold an umbrella over me- have I mentioned before how much I love people being gentlemen- they're my favourite kind of men species!

There were some funny sights to be seen. A man dressed as a bear who gave out honey in exchange for cuddles...and money- typical Switzerland! There were a whole group of people playing bongos just for fun-sies, and I wondered whether they might have been a cult. I confronted my fear of freight trains and we just generally had a fabioso time!
 
On Sunday, I went for a lovely walk in the morning- there's nothing like listening to Johnny Cash as you walk towards France to clear your head. The dog and I were both wrecked afterwards though. 

In the afternoon I made my way into Paddys for my first ever taster of a Gaelic Football match. It was a nice chance to just chat with all the Irish crew and just generally have a merry time of things. It wasn't quite the 12 hour situation of the Sunday before but it was a good afternoon/evening. The BILL society was formed, I learnt the rules of a new sport, and the drink was flowing merrily.

Today, and I will leave you with this anecdote, I discovered that the little girl has two girlfriends and a boyfriend who regularly ring her on her toy mobile phone. It's funny how accurate she is. The girls are really needy and keep ringing her and then she groans and is a bit of a man about things...anyway, I asked her what her boyfriend was called earlier and this is the conversation we had:

Me: Who was that on the phone?
Her: My boyfriend
Me: Oh dear, is he ringing you again?
Her: Yeah...lots
Me: What's his name, anyway?
Her: FizzyMan
Me...WHAT???

Fizzy man??? Where does she even get these things?? I am a little concerned about her polygamous bisexual imaginary world though, I must say...

On a lower point, she also got knocked off her bike by a ginger boy with ADHD... nicht so spass!

So the moral is: Stay away from freaks on trams...and from gingers with a shifty look.

T, G or U: It's always the way

Once upon a time there was a lonely girl. People told her she would not be so lonely if she found somebody. But she did not want just anybody. She wanted to marry a real gentleman. She searched high and low but could not find him. She saw people who were male. She saw people who claimed to be gentlemen. But they were not real gentlemen.

One night, there was a terrible rain storm. There was a knock on the door. A man stood there who did not say 'I am a gentleman' but the lonely girl liked him anyway. He was very wet from the rain. She said he could stay in her conveniently located house. Having read a rather good story, she searched her house for a hard, dry pea. She placed it under his bed. In the morning she asked, 'How did you sleep?' and he replied 'Terribly. There was something strange in my bed.' And she replied 'Ooh sorry, I got lonely and wanted some company.' And he replied 'Okay, there was also a hard object in my bed.'
She declared, 'You ARE a real gentleman. Only a true gentleman would not have said something nasty about my incessant need for company! Will you be mine?' And he replied, 'Sorry, I have a girlfriend./Sorry, I'm gay./ Sorry, I'm not interested.' So the girl was lonely for ever more.

Jingos, I'm talented!

As you can tell from my story, the subject matter of today's blog is my sheer disbelief as to how I could encounter such an extreme proportion of these three categories in my 21 short years. My friend Hannah coined a wonderful phrase when we were at uni 'Taken or gay, it's always the way.' and I think this is very true. And I think the rather unspoken category, judging by my track record, is that of uninterested. Sometimes I get so sick of always being the one who has to pursue people, only to discover they just aren't that interested. The worst part is when they make you think they are interested in really obvious ways but then can completely change their mind the next time you speak. Why??

So, there I was, two days ago, thinking I'd met not one but two nice guys and that I was finally beginning to settle in here. But alas, within two days I realised one is completely uninterested and the other one has a girlfriend. Sweet niblets!!

Anyway, this has been a bit of a rantasaurus, and I'm sorry if you don't enjoy the change from the normal blog format, but I really needed to get this off my chest.

Shall I give you an update of the highlights of the last two days. Well, let's go backwards. Today it was absolutely crapping it down outside, so the whole day has been spent getting wet and wearing waterproofs. On the plus side, think I'm doing a bit better with the kiddies these days. This afternoon, the three of us tried to go to zoo because the family have unlimited tickets because...wait for it, they own shares of the zoo. I thought that was pretty cool, until I opened the zoo brochure upon arrival and seen that one of the animal sections is literally named after them. Jeeeeepers!!! Unfortunately, it was too rainy even for us so after about half an hour of legging it between indoor enclosures, we had to call it quits. Luckily, got to see penguins, hippos and even eat our snack with the kangaroos...and there was a little joey there! Awwww! It was the closest I've been to anything Australian in a while- I want to go so baaaaad!!!

Have you ever tried controlling two mischievous under 6s on a tram before?? It's not too easy...that's all I'll say! I was glad to get home, that's for sure!

Yesterday was one of the best days I've had here yet, close to Sunday's standard. As I was off after lunch, I decided to try and meet up with Sam to catch the tram together into the city before our classes. So, after a pleasant journey, we arranged to meet up for dinner in Paddys after lessons. Class was great as usual, I really love going and learning! As his class finished an hour after mine, I went on to the pub on my own and had my usual Magners- got really close to ordering 'the usual' off Craig who served me and had a nice chat as usual. There was also a gorgeous new bar man working so I had to get chatting to him too- you know what I'm like! He was 22 and called Finnton and was lovely too, but I could tell the barmen didn't really want to talk to me as they were very busy and I know they were thinking I was just a complete loner!

So, needless to say, I was very relieved to see Sam arrive. I actually made sure to say to Craig 'See? Look! I do have a friend.' and he said 'Never doubted it for a minute!' Haha, oh the banter! So we ate some massive chicken burgers and chips and had a lovely time. I taught him some Irish/English slang which I wrote down for him to memorise in his notebook. The whole evening he was a perfect gentleman. He opened doors. He let me go first. If I dropped something, he picked it up. He even insisted on paying for my dinner. Everything screamed date except for his lack of single status. Very strange indeed. He even gave me a lift home in his car after the tram, rushed around to open my door for me and all, and we sat outside the house singing with the radio and generally being strange dorks. It was a lovely late evening and I know I at least have a friend now.

Still, what is it with me and people giving me cryptic mixed signals?? I must give off some weird sort of vibe or something...

At the minute I have no weekend plans...bit awkward :s

Mr Uninterested doesn't even need to be covered in the blog. He wouldn't be bothered to be interested anyway. Shame...

With the risk of sounding dweeb-y...

This is gonna sound really weird but I think I've finally arrived in Switzerland. Or at least fully engaged with the nuances of my life here. I've just had one of those days today where I everything just went well. I just feel so unbelievably happy as I am getting ready for bed time now and I just feel like for once my life isn't that tragic, sort of comical song that people listen to bittersweetly but I might actually be one of those really fun, comical songs that has people dancing and smiling. How?? The success of Sunday has just transformed me into a caricature of my previous person- I'm just so happy and confident and self-assured now. Plus, I've totally fulfilled over half of my bucket list already!!!

 Next point to conquer:
Go on at least one date.
Any takers??
There's not, is there??
Maybe next month...

So let's see, why do I feel so blooming chuffed?

Monday morning started like any other, except I didn't sleep hardly at all and was therefore exhausted. I took the little boy to Kindergarten as usual, and, as with any of my trips there, the little gang of 5 year old girls were staring at me in what seems like awe and like to greet me shyly- SO CUTEE!!! I also got inducted into the secret society of mothers. I walked through the houses with a group of five, although only two of them actually talk to me. It was really funny. Felt a bit like the mafia, as we walked in a line down the streets of the suburb.

In the afternoon, I went into the forest with the kiddies for a teddy bear's picnic. I had regretfully gotten them obsessed with grass cutting monsters, or 'shy leaf-rustlers' as I was calling them, and they were constantly vigilant for the next attack. I had to physically hold a tree in place, when the little boy tried to uproot it to build a tent. I just said: Murdering isn't cool. He didn't really understand. I tried to buy some orange juice from the tree stump shop with the little girl: as usual she was sold out of anything I asked for. Gutted.

Today an old nemesis returned to the little girl's life. The crazy sheep hand puppet. For some reason, I take utmost pleasure in giving it an evil alter-ego that likes to maa like a lunatic and attack her basically. She's clearly terrified and equally angry. It really makes me laugh. At the minute, she's hidden it away in her jumper in the clothes basket so I'm just waiting for my next opportunity to re-connect him to my hand. Am I a good nanny?? Nanny McPhee doesn't approve. Her buck tooth almost fell out of her mouth with derision.

As I headed into town for my class tonight, I was pleased with having a mostly good (which therefore means perfect) day with the little girl. I think I'm finally getting a bit more established in the daily routine and a bit more accepted. It feels good. Like I can really do this job. I also really thoroughly cleaned the house and there wasn't a complaint about it which means I must have done it all perfectly!

In class I was able to keep up fine and keep at the top end of class- need to work ahead to make sure I retain my swotty reputation though...I'm so annoying!

After work, I went to Paddy Reilly's for a Magners, which is quickly becoming my fast routine (well, until the offer runs out in a few days) as I didn't want to rush home on the tram (and plus, I was hoping to run into the nice boy I talked to last week on the tram so needed to get a later one). I had a lovely chat with Craig the bar tender as usual, he's such a lovely guy. I said 'I know, I know, I'm drinking alone again...I promise I was with a big group the other day.' He remembered that I was going to the Irish club and asked how it went, seemed really pleased to see me back, and said 'I can't imagine you're ever normally drinking alone' Aww! I also befriended another bar man, and we had a bit of a private joke about him secretly singing as he was stocking the glasses out of sight of most people but me. As I left the bar, they were standing together and I said 'See you later guys, I'm out of here' and they chorused a lovely message of goodwill to me. Lovely way to leave the bar so familiarly. :) It does however have the connotations that I have become a regular... alcho alert...

I went and got the tram and who should come and sit next to me straight away?? My lovely Swiss friend, Sam! I couldn't believe he'd found me on the tram just to sit next to. I must be irresistible...jokes!! Anyway, we had another lovely chat, and I told him some of my more embarassing tales and he said 'It must be really difficult to be a young attractive girl alone in a new place' (I didn't even embellish that in the slightest!!) I had to laugh at that. He also offered himself as my unofficial tour guide so now we've done a number exchange, he's (hopefully) going to contact me with a fun plan. :D

On top of all this, there's potentially some imminent trips with some of the Irish crew...but I'm not saying more because I don't want to get my hopes up too much!

So, not bad work for your awkward friend, is it?? I'm evidence to you all: It's possible for even the most socially awkward freak-a-deak to manage to form some semblance of a social life in a completely new country. Don't give up hope yet, we can DO this!! Euggh, could that have sounded more like a greetings card? I'd like to apologise...

So, yeah, I'm really pleased to be doing better now, but don't give up hope, I'll probably completely ruin all of these new friendships soon through some collossal embarassing faux pas that'll have everybody talking for months on end and then you'll all be happy! :)

The luck of the Irish?

Well, I'm sorry to say, the same thing has happened again- my Sunday entry appears to only be being published on a Monday- I am terrible! Let's just say, I'll post up whenever I get time. I don't want you all to get your hopes up and then have them dashed when there's nothing for you to read!

To be fair, though, I have a really good excuse for not writing last night. I spent literally 11.30 to 11.30 with the Basel Irish Club yesterday because, when we do BBQs they are whole day things. I can't even begin to tell you how unbelievably glad I was to go to the event, because I had been worrying a fair bit about it and for a while it looked like I might have not gone. Talk about the luck of the Irish...they got my company...ooooh, I'm terrible!!

More of the Amazeballs Sunday in a smidge...but first, as with the best of aything, there has to be worse moments, doesn't there? These weekend has been a bit of a sandwich situation. Friday was great, Saturday a bit crap, Sunday brilliant. Because everybody loves that second piece of bread, right? ;)
Friday, I went into town with a friend. We did some Zentastic shopping and bought matching Zen-looking t-shirts for 3 francs in Chicories- a bit like a friendship bracelet, we'll always be Zen buddies when we wear those tops! Next we went to dinner at Mister Wong's chinese buffet sort of thing. It was weird, because the Chinese restaurant I always got food from at uni was also Mr Wong- ahh memories! Mostly of eating huge plates of food and watching reality tv...

Having a teddy bear's picnic in the forest

Unfortunately there was a wee tad of misunderstanding with me and the women cooking the food. I ordered two chicken satays as I was getting food for two of us. She misunderstood and just brought me two miniscule kebabs. I just looked at her and thought 'What? Do I really look like the sort of person who would only eat two kebabs?? I'm blatantly a big eater...LOOK AT ME!' Anyway, she slags me off to the other workers and they all have a good laugh and I'm just thinking 'I just want some satay, without the side order of snark thanks!' Later on, I tried to go to the bathroom. You needed a password to get in. As if I'd ask the bitchy workers! Luckily another girl came and unlocked it. Phew!

The view from the BBQ

There were some weird sights to be seen from our perch outside the restaurant. A gang of upwards of 20 men in lime green mankinis, stormed past us, singing loudly and vulgarly. 
A man walked past, wearing a knee length kilt and a t-shirt saying 'Pure F*ing Meth'...alright. Advertising your drug preferences. Smaaaart.

On Saturday, the out of date Tuna filling of my weekend sandwich, saw me deciding to be brave, mostly because it's on my bucket list, and going to Paddy's alone, because I wanted to watch some rugby. I showed up, Craig the bartender remembered me, which was (I think) flattering. He put on the rugby for me on a separate screen from the football, but of course, the only tables in the rugby area were big four seater upwards tables. So there I perched, completely alone, sipping a Magners, the only person watching the match. I tried despondently to get some conversation from the waiter. He didn't buy it! And then, just because things were bad enough, a couple came and joined me at their table for a date. There we were, the three of us enjoying some awkward date small talk, the man talked to me about rugby. I was trapped in from leaving in every direction. They were directly in my line of vision for watching the match so it always looked like I was staring at them, even if I was just checking out a particularly fine Springbok in action. All I could think was 'My life is a George Michael music video. Great.'

Luckily, the Sunday horizon was bright and clear and at 11.30, I was illegally dropped off at the BBQ site, my driver having to pretend someone had collapsed and needed picked up quickly in the car. Crazy lady! I was the first one there, and was responsible for that whopping big fire that cooked everyone's meat. Not that I told anyone that. Who likes a girl who can build fires? Nobody! Unless they're very cold.

The BBQ site before everybody else arrived

It was all worth it. I had the best time. I didn't want the day to end. And it didn't. For 12 hours. I met such a great variety of people of all ages and interests and I flitted from one group to the other and had easy chat with everybody. I can't believe how lucky I felt to get to meet such lovely people. And to be able to talk as broadly and slang-ily as I wanted. Knowing nobody would say 'What was that?' They all knew! Plus, I couldn't believe that my pronunciation of my home county would have provided such fascination and delight with the rest all day. A group of us went on to Paddy's from the BBQ to continue the good craic we were having and the craic really did continue on. Of course, by the evening, it was just men and me left. As all the women were wives and mothers and therefore had to look after the children. Although I was the youngest of the group by quite a margin, I still hope I've made some really good friends who genuinely want to keep in touch with me. Maybe. You never can tell when people are all talk though. A lesson I'm quickly learning.

The best part of the day? I have so many favourite parts...

Instead, I'll tell you the worst bit. Not being able to get a tram home. Getting a bus that dropped me in the middle of nowhere in pitch black nighttime. Finding my way home was a wee bit tricky. But I did it.

I'd love to have done Sunday all over again another time. Not to change anything. Just because it was so nice to feel included and liked. And I'd like to feel that again soon.

P.s. I managed to pee in the forest...in literal nature...for the first time in my life...and I feel liberated!!

Ode to my housemates

Today was a sad day. The first of my friends moved out of our house here in Lancaster. It's the strangest feeling ever, because you can say things will still be the same and that nothing is going to change but can we ever guarantee such a thing? We all want to do such different and great things with our lives, when we see each other, will we still be the same people? Will they all still be the best friends I've ever had.

Enjoying the cold and fireworks: Josie, Ruthie, Hannah and I

Three years ago, I met three girls on my first day of university. We've been inseparable and together ever since. The longest we've spent apart has been holidays. Even in summer we usually met up at least once. But now- it's truly over. The next time we're all together will be in over a month's time, wearing dodgy used black robes and enduring one of the most boring saddest days of our lives: graduation. I can't believe it.

At our favourite tapas spot for Josie's 21st this week

 Anyway, in this post I just wanted to mention how much I'm going to miss them all. I know it's exciting to be going out on our own but I know that they were meant to be my best friends. I can't imagine I'll ever meet any body I so connect with again. That sort of thing only happens once in a lifetime.

When I grow up I wanna be: Our leaving party

Let me tell you about my friends. Hannah is the wackiest, loudest, strangest little nutjob I've ever met. She comes out with amazing one liners but other times she won't have a clue what's going on! She loves Disney and toys and wacky jewellery and is full of surprises. We became friends straight away in first year when we had our rooms next to each other and realised that we listened to almost identically the same kinds of music. We've stayed close throughout the whole three years, even becoming branded as Crannah like we were some kind of celebrity couple.

Josie and I at Valentine's Day dinner at 1725

Josie is my blonde soulmate. Because every body needs a hair companion! We've been in class together for three years, surviving the cliques and cliches and phallic symbolisms of, well, everything in English. We bonded over playing our instruments and liking chick flicks and period dramas and being, quite frankly, a little bit weird. We have wild laughing fits at the strangest things, whether it was tiny tiny squirrels or rustling crisp packets or our brief stint in choir at university. Last summer we went to Barcelona together to au pair and that only made us closer. We're returning there in a week in a half for what I'm sure will be bucket loads more of whimsy!
 

Hannah and I at Christmas dinner

Ruthie Byrne, you must use her full name, has always been Ruthie to us. Never her given name of Ruth. She's taken abuse for being ginger, it is the U.K way after all, and survived the many weird collages we stuck in her room every time she dared leave the house. She's a wonderful little person, who is always good to have a Lord of the Rings marathon with, or talk about Game of Thrones, or watch Jane Austen films with, or watch Harry Potter. She reads a lot of books, like I do, so we always have loads to talk about. She's hilarious because most of the time she keeps a really straight face and is so sensible but then she'll do something so completely mental that you can't quite believe it when it happens! Such as donning a poncho and moustache and pretending to be a Mexican...

Ruthie and I at Bonfire Night in the park

So that's my gang: an eclectic mix of lunatics, who would rather sing songs and to lumberjack themed ballet in checked shirts, would rather make roast dinners and have themed parties, would rather midget run up stairs or play 'Irish Granny's handbag' while I imitate an Elderly Irish woman off to market while wearing a tea towel atop, yes atop, my head, than ever dream of going out to a night club. We've been through it all together: mean people, fights, the time someone switched around my spy hole and we all freaked out, strange encounters with people we never talked to again, Rainbow House and the big fall out, stalking Jehovah's Witnesses, explaining the intricacies of life to Hannah- again and again- dragging Christmas trees home, recording our own Covergirl commercials, making puppet shows and playing in the snow, wearing vampire fangs and pretending to be huge babies, weird neighbours and 5000 pound horses, laughs, tears and really odd impressions of each other. 

Just before Josie left this morning

The Brady Bunch

And now, here we are, at the end of the earth. At the end of life as we knew it. Wondering what we'll be facing next or where we are going to end up. Nothing but a few predictions of what'll happen in our, hopefully, bright futures. Where we'll go, who knows? I just wanted to write this post to say: I love you three and it's been a blast! I hope we keep in touch and are always a part of each others' lives. When one of you gets married, I'll be back to celebrate with you, probably covered in cats, wishing you joy and happiness. When one of you discovers the next big thing in life, I'll be there wanting some of your millions, after all...I invented Post-It notes!!! ;)

Thanks for the memories, see you all at graduation for one final boy band air jump!

QOTR