Dear Potential Employer/Recipient of Baked Goods

Dear Potential Employer,

I write to you another letter. Before you disregard it, cackle about my lack of experience, or-heaven forbid!- delete it without reading (rendering this letter completely useless), please take a moment to pause.

Sit back, relax in your wheelie chair, and let me tell you why, in fact, I would be your dream employee.

Growing up in a small village in rural Northern Ireland isn't exactly a recipe for success in finding a good job, with a reputable company such as yours (I hope you are a fan of flattery always working). Neither is being caught in the vicious Circle of Death (NOT Life) of "You have no experience. We can't give you experience. Because you have no experience." I'm sure you are familiar. Indeed, the internet is about the only tool left in my arsenal of weapons (I was once nicknamed Buffy, due to a particularly fine backpack considered ideal for vampire hunting). So I write to you now, longing to be a part of the excellent machine that is your company. I only ask to be a little cog. Necessary, but along the lines of a Victorian Child, seen but not heard complaining.

I suppose you might be wondering about my key skills and, my favourite word, experience. Well, let me tell you, whoever spread this horrible rumour that I have no experience, was a little bit barmy with a side order of mean.

It might interest you to hear a few of my key skills and experiences.

• I was once told that "If you smile, no one could refuse you anything." So I think the problem is not my lack of experience. You just haven't seen my smile. And no, it wasn't my mother that told me this so I think that deserves an extra bonus point.

• I am an excellent inventor and general conoisseur of creativity. I am the designated story composer for the live action bonanza that is the Zoo game, often played at  school or church events. In primary school I invented a game called the Ketchup Kids, that had a very entertaining condiment style Bahktanian humour bit. I also invented an elaborate back story for myself, involving a tennis court, Daddy and a horse, when people at school in the sticks called me 'Posh.' I'm not Posh. In the slightest. 

•  I speak several languages. Ein bisschen Deutsch, un peu Francais y un poco Espanol. I also briefly learnt Japanese...until I realised I was the worst artist ever and my letters all looked like sad ponies. I am, however, extremely good on Paint. I am excellent at communicating with different cultures as well. I once got followed in Germany by a crazy Italian man, shouting the names of pasta at me. I handled this with all the grace and poise you could ever want. I also went on the German exchange, and while in the school, managed to avoid cheering when the British planes swooped onto the screen of the war documentary we were watching. I obviously have a lot of tact. 
• I am an enthusiastic and often accurate cook. I love to shout 'Hey Presto!' and enthusiastically add pinches of spice left, right and centre. I also enjoy many different cuisines and have been known to prove my perserverance by eating curries a little too hot for me but managing to finish through distraction and mass water drinking. I have references proving this if needed. 
• I am completely adaptable. If my sisters told me to move seats as a teenager, I usually legged it quite fast. I also have been known to fetch drinks upon request. 
• I can lift surprisingly heavy people. Always useful. 
• I once considered completing the Cinnamon Challenge...but had the intelligence to know that that was a very very bad idea.
• When there is a lot of wind outside, I always manage to hold my ground. That's right, I hold my ground in difficult situations.
• People have been known to seek my advice on a range of expertise topics. How do I use a computer? How do I send an email? How do I not accidentally order 20 of something when I mean to order one? (Okay, all of those were my mother's questions). 

• I'm not afraid of a good dress-up session. I currently own an adult size Cinderella costume. And I'm not scared of using it. 
• I have never been late handing in an assignment, even when I published my own magazine, Slugworth Chronicle , written about and for my collection of hedgehog toys.

• I am a frequent traveller, with a great ability of locating local food in foreign countries. I am a genius at fitting lots of mini bottles into one plastic bag.I've only set a scanner beeping once, and it's still a mystery why.  And I've only ever lost one watch while going through security. And that was in pursuit of an intelligent well-read Brazilian man so you'll forgive me. 

I have experience in a lot of things, despite my age being 22, and I think this is a fact overlooked by a lot of employers in today's economic climate. And isn't great talent and desire to work hard more important than someone with a bad performance at a job hated who has the needed experience?

I, and many of my young unemployed or underemployed contemporaries, have experienced a vast many things.

We are a generation who have felt the dizzy highs of hopes and the damning lows of rejection. "If you prick us, do we not bleed?"

So, my dear Potential Employer, if you want someone who will work hard for you, who will bring you something a bit unique, and will dazzle you with her hopeful smile, then please consider me for your position/internship/cult.

Yours Sincerely,
QOTR