A Conversation with the ChristineBot

Hello friends!

In the last few days, when I've been gripped by boredom, annoyance or when I've felt a little bit 'grim about the mouth', I've been playing with something I found on Facebook that has provided much hilarity. Using previous words you've written as statuses or comments on Facebook, it generates sentences that are supposed to be potential statuses for you. I'm not sure if this is a true reflection (it probably is) but every status it generates for me is absolute madness and nonsense. So, I thought it would be fun to interview myself and use only answers that were actual generations by the computer. Questions will be asked by me, answers given by my robot equivalent. Let hilarity ensue!

 Interview with the Christine Bot

C: I'm joined today by ChristineBot, and it has been a long time since we last spoke like this. Welcome, ChristineBot, How are you?

 CB: We come together cuz I'm dressed like a lovely purple colour though! Yep, indeedy, had a sad day thank you

C: Well, that's very true, I suppose. I'm sorry to hear you've had a sad day. 

CB:  You know you're right, great, but...

C: Okay... what are your thoughts on the current youth unemployment epidemic and the future consequences there might be of this?

CB:   I'm so just keep the suicide rate of grads in a 95% rate nice and yes, José, when Flat 8 do birthday parties, they're probably the end 

C: That seems a bit of a grim statistic...and probably a bit steep. I don't think all parties end in death. And my name isn't José.  Let's move on. What do you say to the ongoing reports of people 'trash dining', eating from dustbins? 

CB:  I'm having a piece lol

C: I can't believe you'd do that, ChristineBot. That's quite revolting! 

 CB: all you put me to be offended, the bear didn't say 

C: What bear is this? Sorry if I offended you CB... Can you tell us a bit about what you were like growing up? What did you do for fun? 

  CB: How I ask the landscapes! I didn't keep throwing it

C: Sorry? Don't think I understand. Are you saying you were a nature lover? 

CB:    I think I rocked gilets in these days too

C: Yes, gilets are very suitable outdoor wear, that's true.  What were your emotions like when you were leaving university for the last time? 

 CB: You know you're entering the finale, cry a lot, and still looking it's really nice!

C: Well that's definitely a very wise way of looking at things. You cried a lot? You most have been sad to leave your friends, were you? 

  CB:  Look how random my arms are!!!

C: Okay, okay, I get it, you don't like discussing your emotions. One thing I have heard about you a lot is that you love bargain shopping. Are the rumours true? 

CB:   You know me, Sir are a bit of kitchen roll 69p!! I was off to the shop, bought some balsamic vinegar!

 C: Sounds like you got some good bargains. Is there anything you've done lately that was enjoyable? 

CB: I think that perhaps the coolest thing: I've been flying so far, the car I underestimated... just thinking of him in Miranda, that programme after tom, poor lovely guy!

C: That sounds like fun...I think. Knowing you, there will have been a few embarassing moments lately. Any stand out occasions? 

CB:  I was walking and had a pig,  just got real soon as he got tangled up all chinese food.but if.you.ask the entirety of Buffy!

C: So...let me get this straight. You were walking a pig with the whole cast of Buffy and your pig got tangled in somebody's chinese food ?? You can't go anywhere without there being a disaster. 

CB:   I'll just have to go home...

C: That might be for the best. It's been a pleasure interviewing you, I hope you've had fun, Christine Bot?

CB: This was fabbity fab!

 

 So there you have it, thank you for listening. Everyone should try it and see if your robot is as messed up as mine is...seriously, she was like Brain dead horse from Family Guy... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dkDRugEtvNM

To end on a jolly note, here's some pictures of funny dogs. Man, I love dogs.

 

 

Chicken Alanna, Vintage Tractors and Progress at last

 Hello All,
As frequent readers of this blog may be aware, I have a tendency to talk about a load of nonsense. Usually this is as a kind of filler when nothing of any real interest is happening in my life. Because, as you'll also be aware, sometimes things happen, usually lots at once (something about boys and buses here...) and these events, though not particularly monumental tend to resemble Lemony Snicket's 'Series of Unfortunate(ly) (Awkward) Events. This entry, I am happy to report, is one with no needed nonsense. 100% pure real life happenings. I'm sure you cannot wait.

Iron Throne

So, June has been quite an eventful month, in almost entirely good ways. First of all, the Game of Thrones exhibit came to Belfast- this was very exciting as we never get any of the cool tours in this part of the U.K, and this time it was only us that got it!! This is due to the filming of a majority of the show being right here in this little piece of land. Apparently they're filming right now...the temptation to grab some buddies and try and encounter them while they're out and about is a strong one....watch this space.

I know, Keith, I can't believe it either

Secondly, finally some progress on the job hunt. And it's the best possible company ever. BBC. They've decided I've got something...I get to go to training in a few weeks with some really cool people and we are being given the chance to work as runners on sets. I couldn't think of anything more wonderful. Of course, this has reawakened a competitive beast. I want to succeed. I want to be good at it. I want to make it onto the next level. Now just to prove that although I don't have as much experience as the other 149 people, I really do have a unique me-ness to share.

Thirdly, my sister was over visiting and there were some random happenings. When we went for lunch in this cool furniture store in the next town over, we had one of those moments where you have to stifle laughter pretty unaffectively. While waiting to order, the couple in front of us asked what all food was in the display. The lady behind the counter replied in what can only be described as a Mickey Mouse voice- squeaky, cartoon like, totally worthy of frequent imitations. She proceeded to list the food and there seemed to be a frequent theme. Chicken. All the chicken in the nearby area must have crossed the wrong people. And they'd got their comeuppance...apparently.

This is what they had (imagine in a hilarious high pitched voice): Chicken curry, Chicken Alana, Chicken and Broccoli Bake, Chicken and Peach Bake...never fear Veggies, they had Quiche.

Broken Doll. Chic.

On Friday we proceeded to go for a beach day to Newcastle, N.I. A trip to Newcastle is never complete without a ramble around the boardwalk path, taking nutty pictures. We decided it was the perfect opportunity for an America's Next Top Model style pose off. Needless to say, we won't be qualifying for the show any time soon....

But boy did we have fun.

Two Pointers- dog passenger with red neck scarf

Brace yourself, all. The highlight of the Waringstown social calendar. Well, actually, it's pretty much the only event on the entire year long calendar. It's literally just this. Last Friday in June. Vintage car cavalcade.

Unfortunately, in rural Co. Down, the main specimen of vintage vehicle appears to be the vintage tractor. Over half of the 100s were tractors. Ah country life... There were some pretty cool things though and my sister and I came up with a bonus point scoring system. Extra point if your outfit matches your vehicle. Extra point if your baby is strapped onto your tractor. Extra point if you have a dog on board. Two extra points if both you and your dog match your vehicle. And so on etc. etc.

It really brought out all the glorious specimen of residents here. There were 99 ice creams, barely legal tail gating and almost the entirety of the Co Down Young Farmer's Club present. It's times like these that I really find myself thinking 'Gee, I'm glad I'm not away in Spain like I normally am this time of year.' You may detect some sarcasm here.

However, I have rather enjoyed June and I hope that July will bring me some equal delights. Tomorrow I am going hiking. Watch out, Mournes!

Maybe it's because I'm an immigrant...

HELLO WEMBLEY!
I don't know who it was that last shouted that, but needless to say it wasn't me. I'm not performing in Wembley (yet) though I am plenty uncontrollably odd and lovably quirky to be a stand up comedian. Right? right? Well, in saying that, I watched that new show on BBC Three 'The Year of Making Love' and this one girl was a stand up comedian...and she got paid...and she was soooooo unfunny it's not even funny- see what I did there?? So if she can do it, then I sure as heck could take this freakshow on the road ;)

So, you're all probably wondering who I am. Some people know me as Cher. What I mean is, although I never use my name on my blog, you all had probably got to know me quite well through my frequent blog writing whilst (good word that WHILLLLSSSSST) I was abroad and now you're all thinking 'Gee Whiz, she sure doesn't write much anymore, what a pity!' and this is of course assuming you are all cast members of the Brady Bunch with that language...


Well, I am sorry. I have been cowering under a metaphorical rock, waiting for my 2013 to truly begin. The unending application to an unending stream of jobs, waiting in anticipation for the email which undoubtedly reads the equivalent of 'We kind of like you, but you aren't our usual type, so we're going to go for someone who is our normal type but thanks anyway!' Same old, same old- job hunting rejection emails are the same as my teenaged dating rejections I got- not what we normally like but pretty interesting nonetheless. Cool, thanks. That's not to say that there haven't been some highlights in my last two months.

I got my hair cut. At last. So I no longer resemble Mel Gibson as William Wallace. My mother thought I might be able to sell my hair for wigs and it was pretty long so I concurred. As it got snipped off, the hairdresser passed the clippings to my mother who was holding a Tesco bag and collecting. I felt a lot lighter as I left, swinging my bag of hair. Looked it up online, my hair wasn't long enough or in a pony tail. Gutted.

It looks a bit smarter now anyway, and hopefully won't get so in the way of bags, windows and other people's faces anymore.

My animals here at home have become pretty ambivalent. One minute they are lolling all over me, acting rather coquettish, and the next minute they're giving me looks like these.

The dog gave me this charming death glare as we watched Pointless together. I gave an answer she deemed stupid and she turned round and stared at me like this. Priceless. My cat lowered lids and slanted hips might look like a casual 'Come and Pet me' look but it actually meant 'Just Don't.'

So, as you can see, my first two months as a 22 year old have got off to a flying start.

The most annoying thing in the world has happened. I have become an immigrant without realising it. And oh the trouble it is causing me. At the start of February, I finally faced the facts that I wasn't about to get a job after all so I had to bit the bullet and sign on for Job Seekers. Itself a torturous experience in long waiting time, strange looks when you read a Kindle, and staff members asking each other questions that you know the answer to after reading the Web Page one time. But oh no, it was just getting started. After a 45 minute wait, and half a novel, I was finally called to a woman's desk. She said, 'Have you filled in the forms?' 'Yes, I have' I replied, handing it to her.
'Ah, but you haven't filled in the immigration one.'
'What? I'm clearly from here.'
'Were you out of the country?'
'Yes, but only for five months. And I was always still British then.'
'Ah, but you see, if you leave the U.K for more than two weeks, you count as an immigrant.'
All the time I filled in this form, I was thinking in my head 'What?? What?? Seriously, what??' After filling in questions such as 'Have you previously been in the U.K. What dates from and to?' and responding with 'Yes, from 19/12/1990- 05/08/2013' All of my life except the last five months. I then had to be asked questions in person such as 'Were you born in this country?' and having to say, with thinly veiled misery 'Yes.' I literally had the same accent as the woman.
So then she says, 'Have you got I.D. for signing on?' so I present my British Driving Licence. She says, 'Oh, but you're an immigrant. You need to show a passport instead. Can you go home and get it?'
'I have no car.' I reply through gritted teeth.
'Okay, you'll have to come in another time and get it photocopied. We can't process your claim until that happens.'
After another hour of feeling the shame of being an accidental immigrant and an unemployed person, and having to list my qualifications with a tear glinting in my eye, I finally left the office to race home with my father in the car. Since that, he has referred to me as an immigrant in a variety of mean ways, while the ghosts of my past life in a third world country haunt me. Not. I was born 30 miles down the road from the office. To two British parents.
I went back in with my passport, waited another half an hour, finally got it scanned and she said 'I'll send this on for you.'
Got a call yesterday from the claim processing office. 'We need a passport for you.'
'I sent one the other day.'
'We got your driving licence but not your Passport.'
'Well, I did send it.'
'Okay'
*10 minutes later*
'Did you get the inside of your passport scanned?'
'No, she just scanned the information page.'
'We need to see if there are any stamps inside that say you can't live in the U.K or make a claim.'
'There aren't any stamps. I promise. I'm from this country!!!'
'We need to know either way....can you come into the office and get it scanned again?'
'I have no car...I literally can't get in.'
'.....I'll try and process your claim without that info but can't make any promises you'll qualify.'
'Seriously? Ok then.'
'Also, why have you sometimes listed your surname on your forms and sometimes the surname Scullion?'
'What?? I have never used the word Scullion in my life. I literally have no words.'
'Ah, they must have mixed up two different applicants.'

Seriously, Job Centre, seriously??

I'm gonna paraphrase Marina and the Diamonds here 'I'm vulnerable, so vulnerable...I am not an immigrant!' http://youtu.be/S_oMD6-6q5Y

In other news, I might become an immigrant just to justify the amount of hassle it apparently takes for me to get £50 a fortnight. Also, I can guarantee you this: if I get a job, it'll be through my own perseverance, not from their unexistant 'support and guidance'.

Also, I'm writing articles for a website now, feel free to check out my work on www.articlereviewwriters.com! 

The hills are alive, with the sound of....cows with bells??

The view of my private bedroom balcony.

Hey readers! So, here I am, a weary traveller returned from my weekend adventure. And, oh my goodness, what STUNNING scenery have I seen. For any of you who haven't been, the lake of Thun in the region of Interlaken is absolutely breath-taking. The huge Toblerone-esque moutains touch base with gorgeous water so clear and clean you can drink it, where luxury yachts and old fashion steam boats rub shoulders, where hikers and divers are one. And where I called home for a few days.

To start with, it's REALLY hot here at the minute- like over 30 degrees even until you go to sleep at night. So imagine my delight to arrive to such a glorious view after a long journey in a car, squished between to baby car seats, with a nagging cramp the whole way along my leg.On my journey up, we followed twisty roads through the glorious snow-capped mountains and delightful egg-rolling perfect green hills, where literal cows with literal bells literally...walked. Roaming free: every which colour of cow, all together as a group- it was beautiful to behold!

The view off my balcony

My room  was a thing of beauty. The lovely generations old house we stayed in had lovely wood-pannelled walls. I could have sat all day, watching the water sway and the delightful sounds of Pitbull booming from a luxury yacht zooming past. Bliss!

On Saturday we headed off towards the mountains, to tackle the Sheynige Platte: a lovely moutainous walk only reached by an hour long open top moutain train. There were some really funny highlights of this trip.

While we waited for the next mountain train, Cece the dog quickly established herself as a national emblem: revelling in the glory of herds of children and adults alike fawning around her. She lay down on her back and just let them go to town tickling her. Little minx!

It was quite hilarious to see literally tourists on a train sticking their cameras out to snap pictures of us on the platform. It must have looked a quintessentially Swiss picture: lovely dog, cute blonde child in a sunhat, blonde woman in hiking boots, they were all lapping it up. Oh well, when they're showing those holiday snaps to their families and saying 'Look how SWISS they are!' that's when I'll get my laugh. The woman in hiking boots was ME! The only thing Swiss about me is my Swatch watch and the constant amount of Gruyere cheese digesting in my stomach (I eat a lot of it here, so gooood!) The joke is well and truly on them. 

BAM!

Anywho, when we reached the top it was amazing!!! Just look at my pictures!!! Of course, I wanted to get a shot of me with all of this magic, just to prove I was there and luckily an obliging Spanish woman offered to take several for me at different angles. You know, I love the Spanish people: they're kind, thoughtful...and complimentary! While she took my picture, her friend shouted to me 'Beautiful Smile!' It was fantastic!

BEAUTIFUL SMILE!

Whilst climbing up, it was shouted over to me 'I think those two girls are Irish!' So I set my clover emblem to stun...and had a nice chat with the two girls when they confirmed they were in fact part of my crowd and we did the secret handshake. Oh...do you not KNOW the secret handshake?? Well....this is kind of awkward! It was lush to get to slur my words a little and sound just a bit more casual for a change and we had a few laughs so we did.

Another hilarious incident...when we stopped for our picnic, Cece thought she'd go lie down as well. Unfortunately, as she tried to roll into a more comfortable position, she continued to roll. And roll. And roll. She rolled down half a mountain with a terribly funny scared expression....

Add caption

Seriously, Piz Buin??

 ...she was fine though, see?? Happy as...well, happy as a dog who didnt just roll off the entire thing!!

Anywho, after we all baked for a few hours of lovely climbing, we made our way back down the mountain and towards the lovely lake house...where, WE WENT SWIMMING!!! IN THE LAKE!! It was AWESOME! I was feeling really quite frolicsome in the water so was doing lots of floating and I even attempted a few back flips- woop! Much to my amusement, when I finished doing a rather mangled back flip, I was asked 'Did you used to be a synchronised swimmer?' Ha, nah mate, you're mistaken, I'm a TERRIBLE swimmer! Obviously I covered my frantic coughing and goggle removal maneouvre well!

Last night, I realised that I was in fact incredibly burnt...woops! I was really annoyed, because I'd worn cream all over as well, it just didn't last like it should have! This would not be an exaggeration if I likened myself to...say...the red M+M- shocking!!! In fact, as I have no shame anymore, here's some evidential proof...bearing in mind, the camera was in beauty mode and has therefore severely improved my colour to less red!
I almost had a Nervy B when I saw myself in the mirror last night, I looked like an IMBECILE! Luckily, this morning I noticed that some of it had already morphed into tan and the rest will hopefully fade soon as I'm now covered in Aloe Vera- hello! (sorry if you got that)- and nicely soothed. Just wish my face hadn't got burnt, it looks like I'm just really embarassed all the time *sigh* Well, this is gonna help with making friends! Thanks defective sun cream!! :D

I'll leave you with one last funny incident of the weekend. This morning, the little boy said to me 'Why do you always have these?' *Gestures to my chest*
Me: Well, I can't really help it, they're just there...Are you just jealous because you can't be as good a drag queen without them?
Little boy: *Nods*
Me: You'll just have to get really fat to get some of your own.
LB: But you're not fat at all!  Day. Made.
I proceed to squeeze him in a hug of gratitude and say 'You're so sweet!'

On a plus, I seem to be losing weight despite eating like a pig, must be due to all of the schwitz-ing (sweating) I've been doing in this heat- ah well, more cheese please! :D

QOTR