Fashion Choices for the Unfashionable

Today I'm going to impart some wisdom to you all. If you know me you probably know I'm not the most fashionable of chicas. I wear tracksuits, I don't ever style my hair, I only own two pairs of high heels, I've never worn fake eyelashes or fake tan. On the internet these days, there are a vast and uncountable parade of blogs about who's hot and who's not, what's chique and what's not and it got me to thinking: There's no blog for us left-footed people of the dressing world. There's no blog for those of us who don't really try and be fashionable. As Coco Chanel says, "Fashion is made to become unfashionable." So I figure, let's skip the middle fashionable stage and go straight to the 'Yeah....it's unfashionable already' stage. I bring to you, fashion choices for the unfashionable.



This fetching style of exuberant horizontal strips of colour, combined with trousers made from a raincoat style material, can be easily accessorised with au natural curls (with no recognisable parting), necklaces inspired by tribes of Papoa New Guinea, belts to keep that elongated crotch pouch attached and secure (so nobody sees your gentleman's business) and a subtly placed advertising strategy for Pepsi. If possible, this style will work best if you have an identical twin and two willing identical twins of the opposite gender that you can co-ordinate best with. Because it's not enough to have matching faces.


This young lady is demonstrating that it's okay to take your love of Billy Ray Cyrus to another level entirely. Denim on denim is perhaps the most tantalising of combinations. She's gone for a rather modest white vest top, which Billy Ray has jazzed up into being rather more of a chest barer. Denim on denim is a very flexible style: the two denims don't have to match. Sometimes it's a case of: more clash=more street credibility. Basically you can play it safe, or you can go the extra mile and incorporate fringing, rhinestones and a frightened and dubious facial expression. A word to the public, don't mock somebody who has the guts for double denim. Or you might break their 'Achey Breaky Hearts.'

 A style which has been synonymous with comfortable tourism fashion has to be the glorious combination of Socks and Sandals! The terrible twosome: Ben and Jerry, Mary Kate and Ashley, Mickey and Minnie. Even if the weather's scorching hot, there's no need to actually use sandals in the way they were intended! Why have your feet bare to circulating air when you could trap them into socks so they get nice and sweaty? Plus side: you don't need to make your feet part of your 'summer body', they can look like a hairy banana if you so desire them. A fashion choice for the morally conscious: it's highly immoral for a lady to show her ankles. Newsflash: It doesn't matter about the rest of the legs, wear hotpants and nobody will bat an eyelash but show your ankles *shudders* you're a harlot! Here  is the perfect solution, and hey, less chance of a blister when wearing those new sandals for the first time. Ring a ding ding.

Don't listen to the cats.












For the larger gentleman or lady, a style which always goes down well with you and your loved ones: the redneck. Although in actual fact I probably am a bit of a hick...well, a British hick (a brick??) there's something about a ponytailed man with an ensemble which screams "Too small! Too small!" that really can bring a girl to her knees screaming "Why, red necks, why??" If you wish to try this subtle and understated style you will need: long, unwashed looking hair, a baseball cap that doesn't fit your head, a cut-off Lumberjack style checkard shirt (the length of a crop top), a t-shirt with a provocative slogan (also the length of a crop top), a protruding stomach which you pat from time to time as if you are carrying a baby (not just 10 years of holiday fat), jeans with no real shape or defining features, and of course, a six pack of cheap beer in your hand. Before you get to thinking it could be pricey to put together this ensemble, relaaaax! Just get really fat...then all your clothes will shrink away in terror from your stomach anyway! 

Do you ever find a jumper pattern you just really enjoy?? Well if you do, buy in bulk!!! The ultimate trade mark of us unfashionable is to bulk buy one thing and over-wear that one thing until everybody we've ever met has seen us in it at least ten times. Sometimes you find a sweater which just happens to be in every size imaginable!! When this is the case, guess what?? You can buy it for all your family! Then you can all wear it together for family fun times together. Hot damn! And you know what? They'll all really thank you for the matching.  If you find a sweater with a suitable bold and colourful design, it's best to keep the bottoms in a mute singular tone. You don't want to look....clashing, right?



The most beloved item of the middle-aged woman. The Mum/Mom Jeans. An essential item for your wardrobe, they are characterised by their above waist waistline, their tightly belted waist, their ability to make even a slim women look like she has a hugh pelvis region, their accompaniment with tucked into tops (of course) and their disappointing ankle finish which culminates in either: 1. An above ankle length or 2. A ballooning effect to disguise your ankles from the world.

Wearers of the Mum Jeans are usually elsewise characterised by their sensible handbags, their sensible shoes and the most beloved of all Mum related things: The Mum Run. You might have seen them, women in a hurry, women rushing to cross the road before the lights change, women taking children to taekwondo and tap dancing. The Mum Run basics: Your legs have to move really quickly. Like in a cartoon when the character is about to move and their legs blur and there's a lot of smoke. Although your legs are moving quickly though, your arms have to stay at your sides, as if you have weights on the end. You're in a hurry, but nobody needs to know that! The illusion of a casual walk is brilliantly created by the still arms. Genius. Mum Running is not just for Mums. Oh no. A few young ladies of my acquaintance can vouch for our own accidental transition into Mum Runners for our own stresses and worries. The difference being, we feel the after shame. True Mum Runners do not.

 So, I've tried to give you a few suggestions readers. The most important thing about being unfashionable is to cause this face
<<<<<<<<<<<< to happen at least once a day when people see your ensemble.

Also you should note, my unfashionable friends, we are not alone in this. 8 out of 10 people quite enjoy an unfashionable day or two. Here's a secret: we're the normal ones!!! We know what we like and we aren't afraid to be bold enough to wear it. We are fashion. We are ingenuity. We are.....
probably really very unfashionable. But I love you anyway :)

And you look great.