The Nerd and The Class Clown

It was reported on BBC News today that J K Rowling admits she probably made a mistake in allowing Ron and Hermione to end up together at the end of Harry Potter. This is the latest in a series of such revelations that make me a increasingly more frustrated.

 I loved the hopefulness of the nerd and the class clown getting to be together. As I identified equally with both Ron and Hermione in the books, I always looked forward to the next stage of their burgeoning romance in a new sequel. I am a hopeless romantic, and I found it really refreshing that for once it wasn't the archetypal hero who wins the girl, but the sidekick. In my younger years of always being the sidekick to my friends, Ron succeeding always gave me hope that someday I could succeed as well. Likewise with Hermione, it isn't often that the smart girl gets a look in, or that a female character is given any sort of freewill in a book to make up her own mind. I liked that she didn't simper after the hero like all the other girls in the book, but that she went for the less attractive, less heroic and subsequentially more realistic male character. It represented realistic life in a Utopian invention. I also really liked Harry and Hermione's brother/sister relationship, as I think it is important for females to have males who are their friends only as this likewise reflects real life.

J.K Rowling admits that she put Ron and Hermione together because it was "wish fulfillment" which proves that J. K. also found it a hopeful situation, as she previously said she most identifies with Hermione, and perhaps in writing this ending, she succeeded where she might have failed in her own past.

She further adds that she hopes she isn't "breaking people's hearts" with her latest revelations. I can't speak for everyone, of course, but I think a little bit more of my retained youthful hopefulness and faith in Harry Potter's realism has been thwarted.

So, in my view, I think this revelation has been merely mentioned due to the unimaginative fans who think that automatically the hero gets the nearest available and most mentioned girl. I don't honestly believe that this is a more realistic depiction.

But there you have it, looks like the hero continues to win, and the faithful friend must trail behind and pick up any crumbs of plot that fall their way.

Growing Up: A Guide for Amateurs

This guide is brought to you by someone who has a lot of free time. The author spends her time making up mid-sentence rhymes and chasing her dog around singing the 'Murder She Wrote' theme tune and greeting her as 'Detective Dog'. Please note: Items included within the guide may not be all that useful (although they are meant with the best intentions).

Here are a few statistics (as you know, I love maths...) for you about my 2013. 

*Times I saw my closest friends: 5 or less for all of them

*Holidays I went on: 0

*Times I thought 'I love my life!: 0-1

*Times I accidentally talked to myself: Countless

*Amount of box sets I watched: Infinity and one

So, as you might guess, it wasn't that great a year. If I could describe it in one word it would be: 'Meh' with a shoulder shrug.

My New Year's Resolution was to grow up. It was also to stop thinking negatively or be consumed by my own anxieties. I want to do things I really love in 2014. I want to do things just because I can. I want to be happy. And I'm hoping, if I put some good karma out there, good things will happen in exchange. I am dipping my toe in the Sea of Tranquility (or insert other hippy terminology here). So this blog is to mention a few things I am doing differently.

1. Getting outside much more often. I so seldom left my house at the start of 2013 that I almost completely missed wearing any Winter clothing for that really cold spell. My dog has become so accustomed to my presence that she will inconsolably weep until she gets in for a cuddle each day. Her dinner time has also become increasingly early as she gets more and more greedy. So for January, I have been going lots more places. My favourite of which is the local park. Word of warning, be aware of your fellow walkers and be careful who you go behind on the path. I learnt this the hard way. I was following behind an older gentleman, dandering along with a limp. He started throwing a seemingly unending stream of bread crumbs on the paths around him. The birds were quite pleased about this. So much so that I was completely surrounded by swooping and whooping birds as they ate the crumbs littering the path. Didn't help with my fear of birds. For unseen reasons, the old man decided to race me back to our cars, limping along as quick as he could. He then raced out before me and gave me a really sly grin. Typical! 

2. Take up new hobbies, or continue your most-loved ones. Here I was going to blog about the amazing new self-defence class I signed up for, and my first lesson would have been last night. Unfortunately there wasn't enough demand so they cancelled the class. There goes my dream of being able to see off scary yobs while 'Kung Fu Fighting' plays merrily in the background. So I am now thinking of new hobbies I can have. Currently I am reading A LOT of books really quickly and I don't know what is going on but I seem to be starting a new one every other day. I also seem to have to cut up boxes a lot lately in the search for the perfect dog bed for my rather strange canine friend. If she would stop eating her box while she lies in it then we wouldn't be having this conversation. 

3. Pay more attention to the friends you still have. It's very easy when you're feeling ignored and down in the dumps to not really enquire after your friends. Especially if they seem to have had an easy ride and gotten things a lot more easier than you have. However, my new attitude dictates that if I want people to care about me more, I need to care about them more. So if anyone wants to do something fun or have a nice chat, just let me know. I can't turn my back on the sort of people who I have been through the most random, fun and incredible times of my life with. Puppet shows and being a human caterpillar, and cardboard horse and summer holidays. Just to name a few...

 I'm going to my Country Music Festival in March so I am really looking forward to a nice trip to London with one of my best friends and my boyfriend. Hopefully that will be one weekend I don't have to listen to the comic stylings of Saturday night TV presenters as my only main company. 

Hi! I'm in my box. Do you enjoy seeing my underbelly?

Coo-ee, it's me, Detective Dog

4. Stop taking so many pictures of my dog. Or maybe, take more? Here's a few pictures I've taken recently. Too many, or not enough? 

The Decision Is Yours.

I'm in a new box! Yes! 

"You cannot be serious?" I'm Dog McEnwoof

Chrissy's Teens, Casper and a little bit of ah Bisto!

Hello my merry readers!

Following from a recent, and very random, conversation I had with my sister, and as nobody seems to be suggesting any golden sort of path to my dream job, I have come up with a selection of the jobs that, in an ideal world, I would be amazing at. Prepare yourself, this is all kinds of clever!

A logical place to start (that's me- the logical queen!) is from whence (WHENCE is a great word) this whole thing began. Recently I've been working as an English Tutor and the main thing I've learnt, as well as that anything  a 12 year old boy finds funny I will too, is that the only pupils I get are boys. It is English tuition, I suppose. And I enjoy it. This got me to thinking that if the world in my imagination was real, I'd be Jo March and start my own school for boys.

I can just see us all: gathered around a big rustic oak table, me with a sensible outfit and nice hair bun, my German professor husband at the opposite end, our array of miscreant and mischievous boys in between. They'd be a messy, funny bunch and I'd teach them all sorts of lessons aside from their school subjects. How to apologise after a fight. How to treat a lady. How to become  a little gentleman. And we'd have all sorts of rollicks around the surrounding countryside, and trips out in the wagon, or on wild horses. And they'd be Chrissy's Teens, rather than Jo's Boys.


Come and learn, one and all!
 

Possible pitfalls: I'm not married to a German professor. (More's the pity) I don't have a rich relative likely to leave me her lovely old historic house upon her demise in order to start my school.

Plus points: It would be such fun! And Jo March has always been a bit of a similar character to me I think.

Should this obviously fool-proof plan not work out, I have several other options. Obviously.


Next on my list is the highly lucrative and useful occupation of being the supernatural element in a house/car/supermarket. There'd be a great audience for it. Everyone loves a good scare. Except me. But I AM the scary thing so that works out great! 
Picture the scene, friends. You show up at the haunted house and there's all sorts of crazy inexplicable things happen. Somebody knocks a chair over. You feel a shiver on your neck. You hear someone brewing an old-school kettle. You hear someone playing Guitar Hero...but no one turned the game on. Spoooooky!

So, obviously, there aren't going to be too many downsides to this role. Here's a few pitfalls and positives.

Positives: Getting to be mischievous for large parts of the day. Getting to sneak around in soft-soled shoes with or without a white sheet, depending on authenticity level needed. Not having to worry about your appearance/getting to dress in period costumes and getting to snoop around cool houses.

Pitfalls: Long, lonely hours. Spending so much time alone that you start singing 'Everytime' by Britney Spears and pretending you're in a music video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8YzabSdk7ZA

 

   Should yet another brilliant scheme not work out, I have a plan three. One of my favourite things in this great and random world is the Roast Dinner. A British classic. Any family member or friend I've lived with can vouch for my obscene enjoyment of this Sunday treat. There was the time I was dared to drink a load of gravy. Obviously I was successful. There were the long years I was told off for my terrible dinner manners and eating speed on Roast Dinner day. What could be a better job for a maniac like me than being an official Roast Dinner taster?? Doesn't even have to be good quality, I'll eat any and happily mark it!

Picture it: I could while away my hours eating endless roast meats, the delicious nectar that is gravy, as much broccoli as my little heart might desire, and SO. MUCH. POTATO!!!!

Pitfalls: I will get really really fat. I will spend a large part of my life shouting "Ah Bisto!!!" to everyone's mutual chagrin. I might get sick of Roast Dinners? On second thought, no I won't. Ever.

  If even that genius plan doesn't happen, there's one more option (that I can think of today). The spotlight is calling me. Well, specifically, only one single spotlight is calling me. It is the spotlight of the Christmas TV Movie. The cheesier the better please. I can just see myself: Wearing red jumpers, sharing toasts with other shiny actors and actresses, listening to an endless stream of Christmas song covers, getting to be covered in fake studio snow all year round!!! What unparalleled delights for an  attention-seeking Christmas fanatic like myself. My range would be soooo diverse: elf, cupid, female Santa, Mrs Claus, unlucky in love Christmas fanatic, estranged mother/daughter looking for a reunion...the list is endless!

Positives: A constant supply of Christmas cheer, red jumpers and themed props.

Pitfalls: Constant exposure to plastic turkeys so if I risk the anger of a manorexic Brad Pitt wannabe on set it is the perfect murder weapon- blow to the head by plastic turkey. Oh boy, what a way to go!                                                                                
 So there you have it, guys and girls, four of my very possible job roles if my imagination could invent a need for these. If anyone has anymore options, I will consider. Until then:

Merry Christmas, my ghostly teens! I hope you enjoy it and many more Roast Dinners to go. Ah....Bisto.

A Conversation with the ChristineBot

Hello friends!

In the last few days, when I've been gripped by boredom, annoyance or when I've felt a little bit 'grim about the mouth', I've been playing with something I found on Facebook that has provided much hilarity. Using previous words you've written as statuses or comments on Facebook, it generates sentences that are supposed to be potential statuses for you. I'm not sure if this is a true reflection (it probably is) but every status it generates for me is absolute madness and nonsense. So, I thought it would be fun to interview myself and use only answers that were actual generations by the computer. Questions will be asked by me, answers given by my robot equivalent. Let hilarity ensue!

 Interview with the Christine Bot

C: I'm joined today by ChristineBot, and it has been a long time since we last spoke like this. Welcome, ChristineBot, How are you?

 CB: We come together cuz I'm dressed like a lovely purple colour though! Yep, indeedy, had a sad day thank you

C: Well, that's very true, I suppose. I'm sorry to hear you've had a sad day. 

CB:  You know you're right, great, but...

C: Okay... what are your thoughts on the current youth unemployment epidemic and the future consequences there might be of this?

CB:   I'm so just keep the suicide rate of grads in a 95% rate nice and yes, José, when Flat 8 do birthday parties, they're probably the end 

C: That seems a bit of a grim statistic...and probably a bit steep. I don't think all parties end in death. And my name isn't José.  Let's move on. What do you say to the ongoing reports of people 'trash dining', eating from dustbins? 

CB:  I'm having a piece lol

C: I can't believe you'd do that, ChristineBot. That's quite revolting! 

 CB: all you put me to be offended, the bear didn't say 

C: What bear is this? Sorry if I offended you CB... Can you tell us a bit about what you were like growing up? What did you do for fun? 

  CB: How I ask the landscapes! I didn't keep throwing it

C: Sorry? Don't think I understand. Are you saying you were a nature lover? 

CB:    I think I rocked gilets in these days too

C: Yes, gilets are very suitable outdoor wear, that's true.  What were your emotions like when you were leaving university for the last time? 

 CB: You know you're entering the finale, cry a lot, and still looking it's really nice!

C: Well that's definitely a very wise way of looking at things. You cried a lot? You most have been sad to leave your friends, were you? 

  CB:  Look how random my arms are!!!

C: Okay, okay, I get it, you don't like discussing your emotions. One thing I have heard about you a lot is that you love bargain shopping. Are the rumours true? 

CB:   You know me, Sir are a bit of kitchen roll 69p!! I was off to the shop, bought some balsamic vinegar!

 C: Sounds like you got some good bargains. Is there anything you've done lately that was enjoyable? 

CB: I think that perhaps the coolest thing: I've been flying so far, the car I underestimated... just thinking of him in Miranda, that programme after tom, poor lovely guy!

C: That sounds like fun...I think. Knowing you, there will have been a few embarassing moments lately. Any stand out occasions? 

CB:  I was walking and had a pig,  just got real soon as he got tangled up all chinese food.but if.you.ask the entirety of Buffy!

C: So...let me get this straight. You were walking a pig with the whole cast of Buffy and your pig got tangled in somebody's chinese food ?? You can't go anywhere without there being a disaster. 

CB:   I'll just have to go home...

C: That might be for the best. It's been a pleasure interviewing you, I hope you've had fun, Christine Bot?

CB: This was fabbity fab!

 

 So there you have it, thank you for listening. Everyone should try it and see if your robot is as messed up as mine is...seriously, she was like Brain dead horse from Family Guy... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dkDRugEtvNM

To end on a jolly note, here's some pictures of funny dogs. Man, I love dogs.

 

 

Totally Topiary

 In a day that is darkened by debt, despair and a supposed hurricane in the U.K, it's important to look for the light hearted moments of life and so, as my own personal contribution to this noble aim, I have selected a few particularly outstanding topiary creations.

A much under appreciated art form, hedge sculpting is one of the more whimsical and hilarious things in this wonderfully weird world.

So, I present to you, totally topiary!

Thought it was a proud and long career for the Beatles, their greatest moment has to be being immortalised in topiary form. Once they were done asking us to 'Please please me' and proclaiming 'I am the Walrus' the next logical step was to become commemorated in hedge form. Noteable absence of Ringo from the drums?

 "What does the fox say?"

Although there have been many possible suggestions given by Ylvis, unfortunately we aren't going to discover what the dear ginger creature has been longing to say because the fox is now a hedge.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jofNR_WkoCE

 You don't have to travel to the far corners of Westeros to chance a glance at a dragon anymore. It's not just Miss Stormborn who has access. The lucky gardener of this dragon can feel like a Slayer every time they maintain the dragon's short back and sides crop.






Somewhere in his ever unquenchable quest for honey, this cheeky bear has found himself turned into a forever memorial of optimism. I shall think of him always as singing '99 Luftballoon', longing to fly away from his prison of shrubbery.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lur-SGl3uw8

 I couldn't not include my favourite Disney princess as she dances with dear Charming. Forever dancing in her magic dress, before the pumpkin explosion morning after.

While I have you here: is anyone else alarmed that although Aurora has Phillip and Ariel has Eric, Cinderella and Snow White both have Charming?? Ouch!

 "Don't you want me Baby?" "Hello, is it me you're looking for?" A mascot for all of us Beasts out there, a topiary reminder that sometimes you can be a hybrid monster with amazing strength and a pretty bad temper but people can still manage to capture you and forever make you into an inanimate hedge creature before you have a chance to escape?

On that note, imagine the job of the gardener at Disney World, one minute you're shearing the Beast's beard, the next you get distracted and chop off Mickey's head.

 This little panda has two clear purposes.

1. To remind everyone of that amazing Youtube video that can make even the stoniest of cad have a chuckle. You know which one I mean.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FzRH3iTQPrk

2. To be placed in front of reluctant pandas in zoos as a means of encouraging them to get knocked up so they too can have cute little Mini Me hedge babies.

Good work.

This guy has the right idea. Run away from the horrors of hedge prisons. Or maybe he is just running away from this somewhat pointless blog post. I shall leave this open to debate.

Hope that was interesting for some people.

Dear Potential Employer/Recipient of Baked Goods

Dear Potential Employer,

I write to you another letter. Before you disregard it, cackle about my lack of experience, or-heaven forbid!- delete it without reading (rendering this letter completely useless), please take a moment to pause.

Sit back, relax in your wheelie chair, and let me tell you why, in fact, I would be your dream employee.

Growing up in a small village in rural Northern Ireland isn't exactly a recipe for success in finding a good job, with a reputable company such as yours (I hope you are a fan of flattery always working). Neither is being caught in the vicious Circle of Death (NOT Life) of "You have no experience. We can't give you experience. Because you have no experience." I'm sure you are familiar. Indeed, the internet is about the only tool left in my arsenal of weapons (I was once nicknamed Buffy, due to a particularly fine backpack considered ideal for vampire hunting). So I write to you now, longing to be a part of the excellent machine that is your company. I only ask to be a little cog. Necessary, but along the lines of a Victorian Child, seen but not heard complaining.

I suppose you might be wondering about my key skills and, my favourite word, experience. Well, let me tell you, whoever spread this horrible rumour that I have no experience, was a little bit barmy with a side order of mean.

It might interest you to hear a few of my key skills and experiences.

• I was once told that "If you smile, no one could refuse you anything." So I think the problem is not my lack of experience. You just haven't seen my smile. And no, it wasn't my mother that told me this so I think that deserves an extra bonus point.

• I am an excellent inventor and general conoisseur of creativity. I am the designated story composer for the live action bonanza that is the Zoo game, often played at  school or church events. In primary school I invented a game called the Ketchup Kids, that had a very entertaining condiment style Bahktanian humour bit. I also invented an elaborate back story for myself, involving a tennis court, Daddy and a horse, when people at school in the sticks called me 'Posh.' I'm not Posh. In the slightest. 

•  I speak several languages. Ein bisschen Deutsch, un peu Francais y un poco Espanol. I also briefly learnt Japanese...until I realised I was the worst artist ever and my letters all looked like sad ponies. I am, however, extremely good on Paint. I am excellent at communicating with different cultures as well. I once got followed in Germany by a crazy Italian man, shouting the names of pasta at me. I handled this with all the grace and poise you could ever want. I also went on the German exchange, and while in the school, managed to avoid cheering when the British planes swooped onto the screen of the war documentary we were watching. I obviously have a lot of tact. 
• I am an enthusiastic and often accurate cook. I love to shout 'Hey Presto!' and enthusiastically add pinches of spice left, right and centre. I also enjoy many different cuisines and have been known to prove my perserverance by eating curries a little too hot for me but managing to finish through distraction and mass water drinking. I have references proving this if needed. 
• I am completely adaptable. If my sisters told me to move seats as a teenager, I usually legged it quite fast. I also have been known to fetch drinks upon request. 
• I can lift surprisingly heavy people. Always useful. 
• I once considered completing the Cinnamon Challenge...but had the intelligence to know that that was a very very bad idea.
• When there is a lot of wind outside, I always manage to hold my ground. That's right, I hold my ground in difficult situations.
• People have been known to seek my advice on a range of expertise topics. How do I use a computer? How do I send an email? How do I not accidentally order 20 of something when I mean to order one? (Okay, all of those were my mother's questions). 

• I'm not afraid of a good dress-up session. I currently own an adult size Cinderella costume. And I'm not scared of using it. 
• I have never been late handing in an assignment, even when I published my own magazine, Slugworth Chronicle , written about and for my collection of hedgehog toys.

• I am a frequent traveller, with a great ability of locating local food in foreign countries. I am a genius at fitting lots of mini bottles into one plastic bag.I've only set a scanner beeping once, and it's still a mystery why.  And I've only ever lost one watch while going through security. And that was in pursuit of an intelligent well-read Brazilian man so you'll forgive me. 

I have experience in a lot of things, despite my age being 22, and I think this is a fact overlooked by a lot of employers in today's economic climate. And isn't great talent and desire to work hard more important than someone with a bad performance at a job hated who has the needed experience?

I, and many of my young unemployed or underemployed contemporaries, have experienced a vast many things.

We are a generation who have felt the dizzy highs of hopes and the damning lows of rejection. "If you prick us, do we not bleed?"

So, my dear Potential Employer, if you want someone who will work hard for you, who will bring you something a bit unique, and will dazzle you with her hopeful smile, then please consider me for your position/internship/cult.

Yours Sincerely,
QOTR

Chicken Alanna, Vintage Tractors and Progress at last

 Hello All,
As frequent readers of this blog may be aware, I have a tendency to talk about a load of nonsense. Usually this is as a kind of filler when nothing of any real interest is happening in my life. Because, as you'll also be aware, sometimes things happen, usually lots at once (something about boys and buses here...) and these events, though not particularly monumental tend to resemble Lemony Snicket's 'Series of Unfortunate(ly) (Awkward) Events. This entry, I am happy to report, is one with no needed nonsense. 100% pure real life happenings. I'm sure you cannot wait.

Iron Throne

So, June has been quite an eventful month, in almost entirely good ways. First of all, the Game of Thrones exhibit came to Belfast- this was very exciting as we never get any of the cool tours in this part of the U.K, and this time it was only us that got it!! This is due to the filming of a majority of the show being right here in this little piece of land. Apparently they're filming right now...the temptation to grab some buddies and try and encounter them while they're out and about is a strong one....watch this space.

I know, Keith, I can't believe it either

Secondly, finally some progress on the job hunt. And it's the best possible company ever. BBC. They've decided I've got something...I get to go to training in a few weeks with some really cool people and we are being given the chance to work as runners on sets. I couldn't think of anything more wonderful. Of course, this has reawakened a competitive beast. I want to succeed. I want to be good at it. I want to make it onto the next level. Now just to prove that although I don't have as much experience as the other 149 people, I really do have a unique me-ness to share.

Thirdly, my sister was over visiting and there were some random happenings. When we went for lunch in this cool furniture store in the next town over, we had one of those moments where you have to stifle laughter pretty unaffectively. While waiting to order, the couple in front of us asked what all food was in the display. The lady behind the counter replied in what can only be described as a Mickey Mouse voice- squeaky, cartoon like, totally worthy of frequent imitations. She proceeded to list the food and there seemed to be a frequent theme. Chicken. All the chicken in the nearby area must have crossed the wrong people. And they'd got their comeuppance...apparently.

This is what they had (imagine in a hilarious high pitched voice): Chicken curry, Chicken Alana, Chicken and Broccoli Bake, Chicken and Peach Bake...never fear Veggies, they had Quiche.

Broken Doll. Chic.

On Friday we proceeded to go for a beach day to Newcastle, N.I. A trip to Newcastle is never complete without a ramble around the boardwalk path, taking nutty pictures. We decided it was the perfect opportunity for an America's Next Top Model style pose off. Needless to say, we won't be qualifying for the show any time soon....

But boy did we have fun.

Two Pointers- dog passenger with red neck scarf

Brace yourself, all. The highlight of the Waringstown social calendar. Well, actually, it's pretty much the only event on the entire year long calendar. It's literally just this. Last Friday in June. Vintage car cavalcade.

Unfortunately, in rural Co. Down, the main specimen of vintage vehicle appears to be the vintage tractor. Over half of the 100s were tractors. Ah country life... There were some pretty cool things though and my sister and I came up with a bonus point scoring system. Extra point if your outfit matches your vehicle. Extra point if your baby is strapped onto your tractor. Extra point if you have a dog on board. Two extra points if both you and your dog match your vehicle. And so on etc. etc.

It really brought out all the glorious specimen of residents here. There were 99 ice creams, barely legal tail gating and almost the entirety of the Co Down Young Farmer's Club present. It's times like these that I really find myself thinking 'Gee, I'm glad I'm not away in Spain like I normally am this time of year.' You may detect some sarcasm here.

However, I have rather enjoyed June and I hope that July will bring me some equal delights. Tomorrow I am going hiking. Watch out, Mournes!